Rumpled Trousers

No going back now...

Posted by The Holy Goof , Friday, October 1, 2010 7:04 PM

It is difficult not to bounce like a playful little white dot along the chronology of this story. I do have to stop myself and remember that the details, every single one of them, matter. They are what set the ball in motion and made everything happen the way it did. I can't imagine that I would have taken such a keen interest in Second Life had certain key elements not universally collided creating the perfect storm. Let me explain. For over a year i was receiving treatment for ovarian Cancer which included heavy doses of chemo therapy and a slue of other toxic drugs. During that time, it was discovered that i also had pituitary tumours forming in the brain. My health collapsed inward. First to go was the body. I stopped surfing, stopped running, stopped moving. Stopped going out. Stopped trying. I am not lance armstrong. there was no glory or no beauty in my fight with cancer. It was a gruesome and hideous struggle each day. most days i lost. after my body went, my mind followed. i slipped deep into emotional despair and depression. i began pushing my friends away. I'd broken up with my girlfriend of 6 years. I think, looking back…i'd convinced myself that i was going to die. there was a small change of plan. i did not die. but i did exist in this purgatory for the living. i started shopping late at night when everyone else was at home safe and sound in bed, i ignored calls from friends and family. i even ignored the doorbell. Enter Second life. I think for me it was a way to reach out. a way to connect to the living. but i didn't want to connect as me. i didn't like me. i didn't even know who i was anymore. so i became this fiction. this ideal. I had enough friction in my real life, so i avoided creating any of it in second life. Rather than own my sexuality and face the occasional confrontation about it, i subverted it entirely by making my avatar a male who was free to flirt and date and love women without the constant rolling commentary. (As an aside to any males reading this…implied threesomes, sexual innuendo, commentary about watching, not funny. it wasn't funny the first time we heard it, and it certainly isn't funny the 5,000th. Unless you are PT, because he blushes when it's even approached.) So yes, that's not an excuse or a justification, just the chronology of thought. I didn't really ever think i'd make life long friends in SL. i'd never participated in virtual environments or made online friends before so i had no idea what i was in for. if i knew then what i know now…i would have approached the entire thing differently (i'll address gender role play etiquette in another blog, promise) So at first, i very playfully worked my way through Second Life. That is a nice way to say that I was a man whore. i think i was just drunk on people. on the beauty of having so many individuals at my finger tips. so many stories and lives and philosophies and passions to discover. i fell in love with making people feel good. because i felt so bad. it took my mind off of all of the things i was going through. it was a complete and total escape from reality. and i loved it. Enter jessy. messy and complicated. I loved Jessy from the moment i first heard her laugh. i froze in place as the sound transfixed me. We chatted after one of her shows. no flirting just talking. our first conversation lasted for seven hours. with one burrito break. She stirred something inside of me that had been dormant for years. since before all of the doctors and hospitals and iv's and endless barrage of pills. She made me feel alive. she woke me up. I started reconnecting to my rl. i started fighting back. i let my friends and family in. i laughed more. i talked more. i hoped more. everyone commented on the change. nobody knew where it came from. problem. I wanted to tell her everything. i wanted to shout my affection and adoration from the rooftop. but how to even begin merging real life with second life when pretty much everything i brought into this virtual reality wasn't real. I was in love with a woman who thought i was a man. wtf. how did this happen? how did i let this happen? what kind of person could do this?

the day i asked myself that question everything changed. everything. i began focusing on getting my rl on track. when i got my clean bill of health, i did not wait. i didn't hesitate a moment. i chased down my dream with a vengeance. the next night i put my 4runner on craigslist along with all of my furniture. the only things i held on to were photographs, journals, books, a guitar, an old typewriter i'd restored. that's it. Whatever clothing didn't fit into my backpack was donated. I gave away my espresso machine, my pots and pans, my lamps and art and rugs and life. it was gone. i stood on the plateau of all of this change, determined to go and leave it behind, second life included. i didn't know how i'd managed to lie to and hurt so many people but i knew it had to stop. i knew it was wrong. and i hated that part of myself. initially i figured i'd just go. i'd go to india and teach and forget about all of it. i'd just walk away. i had every intention of doing that. i was in frankfurt, in the airport waiting for my flight. i was watching this couple say goodbye to one another. they held each other so tightly, so close as the entire world slipped away behind them. they both cried as they clung to one another. how difficult it was to say goodbye, how hard to accept the journey. and that was with all of their knowing. preparation. truth.

disappearing would crush jessy. it would haunt her and leave her wondering. questioning, doubting. maybe even judging herself. i couldn't do it. leaving was not right either. going without explanation would be just as painful as lying. that's when i knew. i would have to tell her the truth. i would have to swallow everything and face what i'd done. it was right. it was fair. she would hate me, and hurl every hurtful word in the book at me, she would cry and i would have to endure the echo of that pain. but it would be nothing in comparison to hers. i owed her this. i had to.

when i arrived in delhi i was consumed by all of it. by the overwhelming change. by the guilt, by the nerves. by the smell. seriously…smelly. I worked my way down to jaipur determined to tell her once i hit my arrival. below are some of my journal excerpts from that journey.