We interrupt this blog to bring you a whole bunch of Ranting!
Posted by The Holy Goof , Sunday, October 24, 2010 3:08 PM
a break from the retrospect to pull it all together. maybe that's what i need. i was fortunate enough to catch a friend from home on Skype this morning and feel a little soothed. amazing how that can happen. you feel so lost and adrift in everything swarming around you and sometimes all it takes is one person reaching out through the noise and shaking you awake. maybe i've been feeling alone. it happens. it was actually a conversation with Foxie in rl time that got me thinking about everything. that ever happen? your mind begins shifting the puzzle pieces and working them around, but the picture is still a nonsensical disarray of colour and crap, then someone just walks up, puts their finger on one piece, makes one move and suddenly it all makes sense. the realisation is an audible click. we were talking about the fact that we tend to create distance from anything that can be perceived as negative. he does this intentionally, as not to be hindered by the tiny boxes the world is so eager to put us in. i do this subconsciously, because i suffer from "i just want everyone to love me" disease. i've been trying to hold it all together for months now, feeling all the while that my health was slipping violently away. i didn't speak up because i was in denial mostly. not wanting to believe that the past could return and make itself so vividly known. so real. i hate you, past. i am happy to know that it's not cancer. but am scared about all of these new possibilities before us. the tumours are too large and in too close proximity to the optic nerve to be removed through the nose in a simple procedure. if they have to go in, it will be full on neuro-surgery. This terrifies me. then again, maybe they'll knick something and i'll wake up with the ability to throw a 100mph fastball. that would be cool. i am hoping that we can go another route though…the other route being radiation. shrink them down, get them to stop functioning, secreting prolactin. too much info sport? well you're in MY head…be careful…it's messy and vulgar and heart breakingly splendiferous. so my little blurb yesterday. i think i just wanted to be real. to admit my weakness, to open myself up and let people in to love me. for so long i've operated under the guise that in order to be love one must offer up some sort of perfection. which is so funny, because i am so far from perfect in so many ways. clever trick braaaaain. i guess, what i'm saying is that i want to start owning who i am, who i really am. the person behind the person who has made bold choices and done things that maybe on paper sound admirable. the person who is a little more fucked up and insecure and afraid. i want to be that person. and be ok with it. and put it out there into the world and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start bei…….wait. that's not where i was going. but you know what i mean. here's the thing. i have a daughter now. and i don't want her to learn the same lessons that i did. i don't want her to feel rejected for thinking outside of the box and maybe even creating her homestead there. i am such a religious person. it's not even funny. i believe in God with every fibre of my being. I see him present in everything, all around me, all the time. I feel him work through our good deeds, our humour and our love. i grew up in the church and dedicated most of my life to service. when they found out i was gay, it was like i was a leper. nobody wanted anything to do with me. at that young age….i felt that God had rejected me. so i spent my life in solitude, hid my relationship with him. showed my love and gratitude by volunteering where i could, teaching abroad, etc. i kept it to myself. i can see now how deeply that feeling of rejection has carved a hole in my life. but i'm also thankful. because i also see how far off base we are in professing our love for him. The only place God exists is in the relationship, and the only way to honour him, is to love. and i'll stop ranting now….i probably just turned half of you off. But kind of feel like standing up in the back of a Gay Christians anonymous meeting and screaming MY NAME IS MANDY! I AM GAY, AND I LOVE CHRIST! as if that will somehow help me reclaim that relationship….ha…ok where was i….oh yes. so this is my experience with boxes and labels and rejection. it carried over into adulthood. when i told my parents i was getting married…they gave me an ultimatum. they told me that they could handle dating, but marriage and family they could not. (highly conservative and catholic) they told me to come home, and if i did not i would lose everything. they thought they could buy me. i could never walk away from jess and the monkey. i haven't spoken to them in a year. i find it so sad. i still email them…i've rang a few times. i won't stop loving them. even if they can't tell me the same. so yes….rejection is a big theme in my life right now. and it's all based on perceptions about who i am. which has created fear. which has silenced me from being honest and open and letting people aaaaall the way in. this blog, this moment, this blurb, this rant….is all about me reclaiming my life. i'm tired of being afraid of what people think. i'm tired of worrying that if i say or do the wrong thing, i will be rejected. i'm tired of keeping quiet when i want to speak up, and hiding behind the more pleasant and acceptable parts of who i am.
right. so, if your'e still reading this…you know a whole hell of a lot about me now. scary, liberating. neat.
i am going to make tea and read. and not clean up the house. and not worry anymore about anything other than my health, my family, friends, genuine honesty, goodness, love, humour and burritos.
good day.
Personally, I find I love people the more I know about how imperfect they are. We could talk for hours about the power rejection has had over us, because that has been a big issue for me as well. Even with my parental visit going fairly well, I still feel this underlying current of disapproval and being boxed into this black-sheep category. But you know what? Even if I don't do it perfectly, I try to extend a little grace to myself. That's the best thing I learned from Christ, being hit over the head with the Bible, etc. Even if the people teaching it to me never taught me how to use it with others, I have been figuring it out bit by bit. It works when I turn it on myself too. Oh, I screwed up? Oh, I didn't make the right decision? Well, that's me. I'm imperfect. Who the f- cares. That's me.
And it is okay that that's you, too. You have a bunch of people who love you, not just in spite of, but maybe because of it.